Welcome To The Hellmouth (That Is The Buffy Remake)

Last night while I slept, a seer approached me in my dream and warned me to not venture onto the Internet today due to something horrendous happening to my psyche and my “childhood.”

“But I write for the awesome website (TVOvermind) and I can’t just not check my email. You’re asking for a serious sacrifice, Seer.”

The seer told me that I wouldn’t regret his advice. So I half did what he asked and maintained to steer clear from the Internet, only checking my email through my iPod Touch. It wasn’t until I got home from work that I was hit with a bag of bricks across my face from what the seer was protecting me from.

Apparently, there’s going to be a remake of the show that defined my teen years to a fine, eloquent “T”. The show that told me that it was okay to be who you are, that the popular people had it hard too, and to never underestimate a seemingly, harmless blonde with a stake or any other deadly weapon of choice.

They’re remaking Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Without Joss Whedon. Hell has officially come upon us and it’s Hellmouth is Hollywood.

The seer was right in coming to my dreams and warning me of the war that’s ahead. Because that’s what it is. An impending war.

After reading my colleague Clarissa Rocco’s (beautifully) scalding commentary on the hell that is about to come upon us, I felt like my childhood was being raped on repeat. It’s not a funny situation. I can’t compare this atrocity to anything else but a severe crime. Originality has left the building, folks. I mean, that sentiment has been said before, but come on! Buffy the Vampire Slayer ended in 2003, it hasn’t even been a decent decade since Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles, Dawn, and Faith looked on into the rubble of Sunnydale, trying to place what their next step should be in the battle of good and evil. The show hasn’t even grown cold yet on the slab and they are already desecrating it’s remains.

But for what?

What kind of ground could be broken with this new Buffy movie? What kind of lives can this new movie touch, inspire, motivate that the original show did? Do I even need to give the answer?

Where could they possibly take this new Buffy? If you are a true fan, then you would pick up the latest issue in BTVS Season 8 comic book series, which is about to spill over into Season 9 soon. There’s no need to trample all over Joss Whedon’s nuts with an unnecessary remake that is sure to leave poison in the mouths of fans and the pockets dry of the execs stupid enough to go through with this dumb ass idea.

With that being said, if this abomination is ever made, there is no doubt in my mind that I will see it. Why? Explaining myself without sounding cliched is kind of a hard feat, but I can’t help but see how bad it will be. This is the ultimate train wreack and the casualties will be limitless, because each incoming generation who will be introduced to Joss’s Buffy will forever die at the hands of the new Hollywood Buffy by a tarnished view of something great. Saying that today is a sad day for BtVS fans is an understatement. It’s a complete mind frak is what it is.

Mr. Joss Whedon’s response to the news today was very… well ‘Whedonian’ in nature. Despite all of his witty banter throughout his entire correspondence to E!’s Kristin DeSantos, Whedon summed up his, and possibly others, reaction in the closing by saying:

Leave me to my pain!  Sincerely, Joss Whedon

As much as I want to leave him be, I have to beg Mr. Whedon to fight. Why? Because Hollywood is the new metaphorical vampire sucking the blood (life essence, originality, personality) out of some of the greatest stories ever told, leaving behind a void, unrecognizable monster in its place. In short, Mr. Whedon, we need a Slayer.

And you have been Chosen.