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Even though the article was posted last May, Frederick McKindra’s Buzzfeed article, “Does Desiring White Guys Make Me a Traitor to My Race?” appeared on my radar through The Counter Narrative Project’s The Counter Point Podcast last week. The title alone elicits an almost unavoidable kneejerk reaction. However, interviewer Charles Stephens – who was interviewing McKindra – asked for listeners, and anyone who came across the article, to actually read the piece before going on an accusatory rant of self-hate towards McKindra. I took Stephens’ advice and seeked out the article after finishing the podcast, hoping the article would clarify some of McKindra’s claims and assertions that, to some degree, weren’t registering with me though the show. After reading McKindra’s piece in full, I have to say that it did put his stance in perspective, while reaffirming some of the qualms I had from the article’s title alone.

In short, I’m on the fence about the article, because while there are several pushbacks to McKindra’s reasonings behind his lust for white men, I can actually see where he’s coming from in certain areas.

Since being a member of Male Media Mind for almost four years now, the subject of interracial dating has come up ad nauseam, or rather the “preference” vs “prejudiced” portion of the timeless topic. Even before my interactions with my M3 counterparts and our audience in general, I’ve always maintained the stance of not caring who you date just as long the relationship wasn’t based on stereotypes from either party. In other words, white men shouldn’t date black men soley based on dick size, the fantasy of calling them any racial epithet they can think of during sex, or because we are generally seen as sexual “beasts” that only are looking to fuck any willing participant at any given moment. In reverse, black men shouldn’t date a white man solely because they feel that white men are easily submissive, aren’t ghetto, and will be readily available for sex whenever the black guy feels like busting a nut (there are more stereotypes than these, but since this is a sexual topic, I’m only gonna focus on these for the moment).

So for me, taking the love is love (without stipulations) stance is one of the sole reasons I fliched when I heard The Counter Point utter the title of McKindra’s article. It screamed everything I argued against on countless M3 Hangouts and podcasts, especially when racism in the gay community is becoming widely apparent now (despite it being known for eons, practically). However instead of an empty, unapologetic rant about why black men are horrible and below their European counterparts based on one bad dating experience, McKindra presented context; layers on top of layers of thought-provoking, context that elevates the article from simple click-bait fare and into a solidified conversation piece. Once you read McKindra’s take on the subject, you can see why Charles Stephens picked it as a topic of discussion.

With all that said, that doesn’t mean I agree with 80-90% of the article.

In the 10% that I totally agree with, McKindra talks about experiencing racial fatigue throughout his life, which I, too, experience from time to time, especially when it comes to my sexuality and certain viewpoints that, while not too divergent from the general black populace, tends to clash often with other gay black men, or black people in general. None of that has to do with an apologetic lens for lusting after white men, but rather a dire wish for my people to do better in certain areas. While McKindra explains explicitly his reasoning behind his desire (which I’m not going to go into detail here, because the reader should read the article for themselves), I feel that by the end of the article that even he doesn’t buy his own self-justification for his sexual cravings.

And that’s perfectly okay.

In the end, I compare McKindra’s story to me trying to explain why I loved things like Sweet Valley High, RuPaul’s Drag Race, or picking the female character in video games (to be honest, they had THE BEST weapons to fight with, so that was an easy one that not even the straightest guy could argue with) before I came out the closet to people who helped shape my world. I was coming up with every excuse under the sun, other than the one that mattered most: I was gay, but most importantly, why did they care?

I know. That last statement might open the doors for people to ask why did I care enough about McKindra’s Buzzfeed article to write a “reader’s response” to it. Well, outside of the fact that it’s my blog and it’s within my right to do so, I want to add another stipulation to my stance on interracial dating: if someone boastfully declares the pros and cons of dating a white man over a black man (which McKindra mentions in his piece) and vice versa, I tend to challenge them, giving the person what they want: a debate/rebuttal. No one has to know your business, but if you present it for conversation, then expect a mildly adverse reaction. In other words, someone will see through the bullshit and call you out on it.


“Must be white. No Black Guys.”

“No Asians.”

“No Natives.”

“Sorry. Just a Preference”

Ever wish you had a huge ass can of “Bitch Be Gone” or “Bigot Spray” when encountering the above fuckery on hook-up sites? Grindr, Jack’d, Growlr, etc are all infected with the combined social viruses of bigotry, racism, and prejudice, and the epidemic is pretty much widespread at this point, making us wish such fuckboy repellent sprays were at not only arm’s reach, but pocket reach as well. The growing debates of inclusiveness within the gay community has reached a fever pitch, bringing a literal halt to the recent Capitol Pride parade in D.C. and even prompting gay activists of color to add black and brown stripes to the universal Pride flag (the latter which I disagree with, but I digress) in move to truly feel included within the community as a whole. The prejudice wasn’t confined to just Grindr or Growlr anymore, it has become bolder and more pronounced, albeit very slick. With constant conversations within intellectual groups featuring PoC and almost weekly think pieces being written across the Internet landscape about the growing racial chasm within the gay community, it was only a matter of time before someone would develop an app that would not only cater to the multicultural populace within the same sex loving, but also combat them before they even can press the “submit” button on their profile application.

I introduce to you the “Bigot Repellent” you’ve dying for. And it’s name is Noir.


Created by Savage Code, the Noir app caters to the gay people of color and those who love us by channeling the black jazz clubs of the 1920s and 1930s, which not only provided safe places for people of color, but also those of the queer identity. It has a ZERO policy on hate speech, and it was created by us, for us and that detail shows down to the blank profile avatar. If you’re deft at using Jack’d or Grindr, then it will take you no time to get to know Noir.

The app is free in the App Store for iOS devices. An Android version is in the works, but it’s completion is contingent on the success of the iOS version. There are tiers/pay walls to use certain features on the app like any other of its kind. A one time Ad-Free price of $4.99 will help in that endeavor, also there are membership packs that can be bought in “increments” one month, three months, and a year.



Noir’s success is integral for people of color within the gay community. If you’re tired of the racism wrapped in “preference” profiles, the disrespectful stereotypes concerning our “BBCs” or “big black cocks” for the uninitiated, and the constant racial slurs hurled at you for not engaging in a bigot’s fantasy, then Noir is the place for you.

Spread the word. Our time has come.

You can find Noir in the App Store for iOS, or here on the official website.

20 Years of Laughs, 20 Years of Thrills, 20 Years of Knockoffs, 20 Years of Scream. 20 Years Ago, Casey Becker got a phone call that changed the face of horror as we know it, giving us a new maniac in the slasher lexicon: Ghostface. Pop culture and the horror genre in general was never the same. Games had to be stepped up. Heroines had to live up to the goddesses known as Sidney Prescott and Gale Weathers-Riley. Sequels became more scrutinized, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Happy Birthday, Scream. Thanks for being with me since I was 13. #Scream #WesCraven #KevinWilliamson #SidneyPrescott #NeveCampbell #TatumRiley #RoseMcGowen #DwightDeweyRiley #DavidArquette #GaleWeathers #CourtneyCox #RandyMeeks #JamieKennedy #BillyLoomis #SkeetUlrich #StuMacher #MatthewLilliard


Crossroads photo by Titus Chia

Chapter One:At least once a day I ask myself where did I go wrong in my life, and not in a comical manner...”

There are days where life is as smooth as the finest silk from an exotic land, with no creases or bumps to make you question the decisions you took to get to that particular point in your life. Then there are days where your brain, body, and soul demands a complete analyzation of how, why, and when did you allow the determining factors of your current dismal situation to take fruition, resulting in your own personal space of hell. I get the latter more than the former. And that doesn’t mean it’s exclusive to my experiences alone. It’s just a bothersome reality for me.

I write all of this to simply make sense of everything going on in my life now. Sure there are tons of bright spots that occur throughout, but their comforting luster tends to be buffed out by the shadows of that I want to control, but simply can’t.

Sometimes we are, sadly, the creators of our own damning dilemmas, and no matter the external factors, the responsibility and consequences are that of our own accord. Some people are deft in combating and changing their current situations when they find themselves in a nasty rut. Others are not so lucky. I don’t want to say that I belong in either camp. Rather, there’s always a foot in each respective door to those particular groups. Or actually you can view it in a macro vs. micro setting. You might can manage something locally like rent and other small bills, but you might not be able to make a move at the drop of a hat to a new city, or purchase your first time home whenever you feel like it. Again, this isn’t something exclusive to me solely, but it’s problematic nonetheless.


And this method isn’t regulated to finances alone. Love, relationships, education, and other personal issues can be substituted variables for the same equation. In fact, they are tit for tat in my current situation.

So, yes, I ask my self at least once a day what did I do wrong and, most importantly, how can I course correct it?

When I do get into that mind frame, I always end up looking for answers within my collegiate years where the many crossroads presented themselves like a complicated Choose Your Own Adventure novel from back in the day. I analyze not being sociable enough, or more daring and confident in who I was back then. I mull over not pushing myself harder to educate myself on life outside the classroom, but within the social and economic structure of higher education and the various influencing entities on the outskirts. I ask myself why didn’t I fight harder or investigate fully certain opportunities and resources that would’ve benefited well beyond my expectations.

Then after all that scrutinizing and self-analyzation, I come to the quick conclusion of beating myself up over the past – something I can’t control – is exhaustingly banal and plainly futile. Shocker, right?

But like the annual NBA Finals or the Super Bowl, the Self-Analyzation Games takes place within my head, where I’ve been told repeatedly to vacate from and only return for visits. I feel as if the games will continue until I finally have closure, some understanding, and a viable plan to change course. Maybe then I can over turn the W’s and L’s in this scenario.



So that didn’t go well…

After coming up with this “elaborate” schedule of celebratory birthday posts, life, as I said previously, got in the way. I didn’t have access to a computer to write or keep up with my plans, nor did I have enough free time to blog via my phone. It was a valiant effort and plan, but the 33 Random Chapters idea is one that doesn’t have to be a daily thing, can include multiple chapters a day, and can still be celebratory of my birthday. Who knows? It might can turn into a mini-book or sorts.

SO! With that being said… Let’s get the 33 Random Chapters started.

Here’s the new list titled: “A Mark O. Estes ‘Novel:’ 33 Random Chapters”

It is tentative and subject to change.

“A Mark O. Estes ‘Novel:’ 33 Random Chapters”

Chapter One: “At least once a day I ask myself where did I go wrong in my life, and not in a comical manner…”

Chapter Two: “As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to accept that a lot of my dreams will never come into fruition”

Chapter Three: “I’ve rarely experienced the true notion of comfort.”

Chapter Four: “Growing old and alone still haunts me.”

Chapter Five: “Nostalgia is like a recreational drug that you can either wallow in or use it to reconnect with your inner self, who you may have thought you left behind.”

Chapter Six: “Sleep has become the adult boogeyman.Will explain later”

Chapter Seven: “I miss being able to read freely with no obligations, interruptions, or plain old distractions.”

Chapter Eight: “I’m a personable person. I’m not a personable person.”

Chapter Nine: “My Friends are my world.”

Chapter Ten: “I’m flip-flopping over whether I’ll ever experience a loving relationship or not. Currently I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

Chapter Eleven: “I stay in my head entirely way too much.”

Chapter Twelve: “My love for TV is waning…”

Chapter Thirteen: “Music is an integral part of my life.”

Chapter Fourteen:“I’ve only had one person I was truly in love with.”

Chapter Fifteen: “Coming Out was the best thing to happen to me.”

Chapter Sixteen: “I’d be interested in partaking in a triad relationship.”

Chapter Seventeen: “Despite claims from various social groups and figures, I don’t think society as a whole really wants to accomplish unity.”

Chapter Eighteen: “As of 2016, I’ve only been to one concert in my life and that was Kanye West’s College Dropout Tour back in 2004.”

Chapter Nineteen: “One of my biggest goals is to tryout for Big Brother at least five times.”

Chapter Twenty: “Trying to make sense of the world is a taxing experience and I’m over it. To an extent.”

Chapter Twenty-One: “I still haven’t seen more than half of the movies I own…”

Chapter Twenty-Two: “I wish Divine Intervention would have stepped in and warned me not to come back to Brownsville.”

Chapter Twenty-Three: “Embracing every unique aspect of me has been the greatest love affair ever told in my book.”

Chapter Twenty-Four: “I still believe that you don’t get a free pass from being labeled an asshole because of your accomplishments in life.”

Chapter Twenty-Five: “I still wonder about Christian Tobias Estes, the son I dreamed about many years ago in college.”

Chapter Twenty-Six: “People truly think that I’m stupid and don’t pick up on that.”

Chapter Twenty-Seven: “If I could travel anywhere in the world and stay there, it would have to be somewhere near a beach or cove of some kind, or in metropolitan area with more than 500,000 people to experience on a daily basis.”

Chapter Twenty-Eight: “There’s not that many people I can trust. And even the ones I do trust, I can’t help get leery about sometimes.”

Chapter Twenty-Nine: “Biggest pet peeve is social media and the plethora of misinformation circulating through it like a disease.”

Chapter Thirty: “I truly hate talking about race, even when I’m enraged about something blatantly racist.”

Chapter Thirty-One: “When I die, I want The Smiths’ ‘There is A Light That Never Goes Out’ to be sung at my funeral, and some of my ashes to be set loose on the Pacific Coast.”

Chapter Thirty-Two: “I’ve never forgiven myself for not fighting harder for my first love.”

Chapter Thirty-Three: “I still think about death constantly.”


Again, these are all tentative.




Last night I wrote about taking a list I compiled for a 2009 Facebook trend and using it as a template to reflect and write daily about why I felt that way at that particular moment for a personal birthday retrospective covering the seven years since and before the list was written. I also wrote about doing something else entirely and not wanting to say exactly what just yet, because of my compulsiveness to change my mind at any given moment.

Well it’s Day #2 of my 23 Days of Reflection on 33 Years on Earth, and I’ve changed my mind on how to approach this self-appointing task.

Instead of explaining how I felt seven years ago, I’ve decided to compile a whole new list that represents my current mind state as of today. It will hopefully be more forthcoming than the list I drafted back in 2009. I have some entries in mind at the moment, and hopefully will have the list completed by the end of tonight. Some days will have two entries or more and some will have a single entry.

I’m trying to remain focused and determined to complete this personal challenge, but life constantly gets in the way. It’s like the present doesn’t want me to dwell on the past, which in some instances is considered a wise stance. But in some others, it’s healthy to reevaluate your past to determine or make sense of your present or future.

17 minutes left in the day so for the sake of keeping up with this task, I’m publishing this piece right now, and will introduce the new list for tomorrow.




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