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Crossroads photo by Titus Chia

Chapter One:At least once a day I ask myself where did I go wrong in my life, and not in a comical manner...”

There are days where life is as smooth as the finest silk from an exotic land, with no creases or bumps to make you question the decisions you took to get to that particular point in your life. Then there are days where your brain, body, and soul demands a complete analyzation of how, why, and when did you allow the determining factors of your current dismal situation to take fruition, resulting in your own personal space of hell. I get the latter more than the former. And that doesn’t mean it’s exclusive to my experiences alone. It’s just a bothersome reality for me.

I write all of this to simply make sense of everything going on in my life now. Sure there are tons of bright spots that occur throughout, but their comforting luster tends to be buffed out by the shadows of that I want to control, but simply can’t.

Sometimes we are, sadly, the creators of our own damning dilemmas, and no matter the external factors, the responsibility and consequences are that of our own accord. Some people are deft in combating and changing their current situations when they find themselves in a nasty rut. Others are not so lucky. I don’t want to say that I belong in either camp. Rather, there’s always a foot in each respective door to those particular groups. Or actually you can view it in a macro vs. micro setting. You might can manage something locally like rent and other small bills, but you might not be able to make a move at the drop of a hat to a new city, or purchase your first time home whenever you feel like it. Again, this isn’t something exclusive to me solely, but it’s problematic nonetheless.

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And this method isn’t regulated to finances alone. Love, relationships, education, and other personal issues can be substituted variables for the same equation. In fact, they are tit for tat in my current situation.

So, yes, I ask my self at least once a day what did I do wrong and, most importantly, how can I course correct it?

When I do get into that mind frame, I always end up looking for answers within my collegiate years where the many crossroads presented themselves like a complicated Choose Your Own Adventure novel from back in the day. I analyze not being sociable enough, or more daring and confident in who I was back then. I mull over not pushing myself harder to educate myself on life outside the classroom, but within the social and economic structure of higher education and the various influencing entities on the outskirts. I ask myself why didn’t I fight harder or investigate fully certain opportunities and resources that would’ve benefited well beyond my expectations.

Then after all that scrutinizing and self-analyzation, I come to the quick conclusion of beating myself up over the past – something I can’t control – is exhaustingly banal and plainly futile. Shocker, right?

But like the annual NBA Finals or the Super Bowl, the Self-Analyzation Games takes place within my head, where I’ve been told repeatedly to vacate from and only return for visits. I feel as if the games will continue until I finally have closure, some understanding, and a viable plan to change course. Maybe then I can over turn the W’s and L’s in this scenario.

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