RuPaul's Drag Race Season Seven

It’s that time again where the library is open, reading glasses are set to “Filth,” and the shade flows steadily like the Nile River (or Aunt Flo riding the crimson wave on a severely bad day). RuPaul’s Drag Race is back for its seventh season of campy fun and your boy is ready to laugh his ass off again for the next three months while receiving ample amounts of life from RuPaul, who is also my slick life coach, but he doesn’t know that yet. Moving on…

As we enter the seventh year of the most entertaining reality show competition (next to Big Brother in June and only in June it seems), I wanted to list some events that I hope will take part this season to give the show a subtle but required shot in the arm. Last year was, simply put, amazing. It was a breath of fresh air from the stale atmosphere that was Season Five, currently my least favorite season out of RPDR’s HERstory. So hopefully Ru and crew will amplify the genius of last season and shell out more memorable queens to quote ad naseum for the next year. But first, here is my list of “demands” I pray take place until May. Side note: two of these have already took place by watching the sneak preview of episode one, so we’re off to a damn good start!

1) New Challenges

This one will already take place in tonight’s premiere episode, so I’m happy about that. Going forward, however, let’s hope Ru shakes the status quo up by seriously taking these contestants through the wringer. The tagline this year has basically told the audience (and the Queens) that we have no idea what to expect. Let’s hope they not only expound upon that in abundance, but keep it up throughout the entire season. However, the Snatch Game does NOT need to be tampered with. I mean that shit.

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2) No Cliques.

Season Three and Five both gave us the Heathers vs. The Boogers and RoLaskaTox, respectively, but I simply was not feeling them. This is a competition, and none of the contestants signed up for the game as a group. Sure after the cameras stop rolling and the fur settles, we’ve seen past contestants build strong bonds that have lasted to this day, and that is no doubt a beautiful outcome of this show (Raven and JuJuBee; Bianca, Courtney, and Adore; Bianca and Trinity; Manila and Latrice, etc). But until they’re released from sequester I need to see their claws slicing and dicing along with their equally sharp as switchblade tongues. No one has time to make besties when the title of America’s Drag Superstar is on the line, unless you’re paired up in All-Stars.

3) Seamstresses

It’s Season Seven. Next year it will be Season Eight, and the year after that Season Nine. There is no excuse under the goddamn sun for you to walk on that show and not have basic sewing under your belt. Now, I can’t sew for shit, but if there was money and a title on the line, best believe the tips of my fingers would stay bloody until I mastered the art of sewing good enough to appear on the show. It’s become a clocking ritual to shade anyone who utters the ill-fated words “I cannot sew.” Unfortunately, this operation failed again this season, but I won’t reveal right here who is sewing illiterate this season.

4) Eliminate By-Weeks? Maybe

I had to think long and hard about this one, because while eliminating by-weeks would keep these hoes on their toes like last year’s no immunity twist (which I loved), there comes a time when two of your faves will face each other in a lip-sync battle, and you don’t want neither of those bitches to go home. So I’m sort of on the fence about having “no by-weeks.” On the other hand, let’s return to keeping the contestants hungry for the crown. If by-weeks were omitted and immunity wasn’t offered on a platter, this could probably give the Queens a kick in the ass to bring their A-game and put up or shut up. But again, if it’s my faves going toe-to-toe, my stance on eliminating by-weeks will be eradicated.

5) Bring Back the Save-A-Hoe Option

No, I’m not talking about the Save-A-Hoe button from All-Stars, but the gimmick of bringing back a previously eliminated contestant who went home too soon that season. Even though the experiment failed both times it was used (both Carmen Carrera and Kenya Michaels returned only to be sent back to stage left in their respective return episodes) and Season Five didn’t have anyone worth bringing back, I thought Season Six could’ve used the technique, especially with Gia Gunn, Milk, and April Carrion being viable personalities to have a second chance at the crown (but Bianca had that season in the bag from day one, so…). If the talent and personalities match those of last year’s, then I think Michelle Visage and new judges Ross Matthews and Carson Kressley should whisper in Ru’s ear to bring back the Save-A-Hoe/Return-A-Hoe option back into the fold.

Honorable Mention: An UnCut UnTucked

Since the weekly shade/readathon known as UnTucked will be only available online this year, the only way to make up for this fuckery is if the show was completely uncut in its entirety. No blips. No cutaways. Just an unadulterated, no-holds barred bitchfest. I’m sure Logo will not stand for this, but dammit, if it’s online then they shouldn’t have to worry about censorship of any kind. Well… unless it’s nudity that is. But still. Give us an uncensored Untucked, and we will lower the whine and woe on Twitter.

That’s all I have for now. Tune into the show tonight and come back for my final thoughts.

RPDR Season 7

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