Looking from the outside in has always been a viewpoint in my life. The sad thing is that I feel as if I’ve done the same thing within myself. As in, I have no concrete clue of who or what I am. Sure, I have inklings here and there. Hell, I was even on the path of solving the mystery I’ve built about myself all those years… until my college degree landed in my lap like a piece of the Berlin Wall.

But as with some of the greatest mysteries of all time, the end results are just as terrifying as the catalyst that started it off. In other words, I could (maybe) solve the mystery, but I’m scared of what’s buried beneath the surface. I’m scared to sift through the boxes I’ve unconsciously packed away in the crevices of my mind. I’m scared to leave my comfortable place at the window on the sidewalk and enter the dark, foreboding building.

In the Sarah McLachlan’s song which shares the title of this blog post, and this blog in general, I’m that “beautiful, fucked up man.” I’m the one giving the sad, smiles on the outside and letting my shadow get in the way of my prospective future. The difference is that when I smile, I want to mean it. When I go outside, I want to leave my baggage in the closet for later sifting at my choosing. I just don’t know how to do it yet and without causing friction to those around me.

Funny. I just had to get that off my chest, because it’s been chewing at me all week, leading me to create this blog. But who wants to start something great with such a somber opening? However. They say that you have to get stuff out and put it somewhere to clear the brain and I’m in a helluva creative process now and need my brain void of any shadows lurking, so consider this a bit of spring cleaning on a mental level.

Although, spring cleaning tends to happen once a month around here… 🙂

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